Don't let the messy stuff hold you back
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Don't let the messy stuff hold you back
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By Rachel Barker
First published on VICE.COM
“One person cannot possibly meet all of another person's needs. No person is an island and relationships shouldn’t be either. Feeling belonging and support from a wider group of people can reduce pressure of feeling entirely responsible for another person's wellbeing.”
“In terms of physical and sexual intimacy, healthy relationships involve a lot of communicating. Too often, people do not have discussions about this until they have had a few drinks. Healthy relationships are able to bring this topic up and discuss it as part of strengthening the relationship.
Most of our lives, growing up, we were told by media, TV, and movies that talking about shared understandings of sex before we do it isn’t sexy.
Healthy relationships involve talking about what each partner wants and needs for physical and sexual intimacy and then developing a shared commitment to meet each other’s needs and desires. Healthy relationships involve consent and agreement for everything. This involves regularly checking in before, during and after sex about whether things are ok and that the other person is enjoying it. Healthy relationships involve the meeting of everyone’s sexual needs.”
“Healthy relationships are born from doing the work on ourselves so that we are safe in relationships - learning about ourselves and how that may affect our intimate relationships and then taking responsibility and action for our own healing.
It involves practising trust every single day, being vulnerable and sharing the deepest parts of ourselves. It takes courage, dedication and commitment.”
“Most relationships won't always be 100% healthy in all areas.
Our communication might slip, or we might start taking our partner for granted when we go through a particularly busy time, so a healthy relationship isn’t one where we are always hitting it out of the park, but in a healthy relationship we can come back together, talk about what needs to change, and reset to go forwards together.”
“One characteristic of healthier relationships is people providing support and managing conflict in ways that are responsive rather than defensive.
When someone needs support, it’s common for us to offer support in the way that we would like to be supported when sad or angry, which is a defensive response focused on our own feelings. Sometimes we try to ‘fix’ problems for others, at the cost of ignoring that person’s expression of emotions that signal they need their feelings to be recognized and validated.
Research shows that healthier support is responsive. Responsive support means attending to what someone requests rather than what you think they might need – empathising with someone’s feelings when they express emotions or offering advice when they ask for advice.”
