Can you be angry without blowing up?

Anger is a human emotion. Anger is natural. Anger is unavoidable.

I have to keep myself healthy and feel my emotions. I have to get my anger out somewhere, babe. Anger is unavoidable.

But is this true? Does it have to come barrelling out of you in some way? Is there only one way to regulate your emotions - or rather, your anger? We are told that relationships need to be honest and vulnerable and about taking care of each other when the emotions all bubble up, but is anger only volatile? Perhaps anger doesn’t always need to be expressed in an aggressive way but can be let go of gently and healthily.

We’ve been fed this idea that anger needs to be channeled into something explosive to get out of you fully. This is not the case. There are ways to control your anger and get it out of your system in a healthier, more constructive form. Communication, as annoying as it sounds, is one of the best ways to deal with (and sometimes even avoid) anger. Whether that be communicating to your partner the ways you deal with anger in the moment - “no, I won’t be able to reason properly so it’s best I go for a walk” - or maybe, talking through your anger does work for you while a situation is ongoing. Relationships are about compromise, and helping each other find ways to deal with the not-so-nice parts of our humanity.

You sit down. You think about why you’re angry, and how you’re angry. What is making you feel like this? Your anger may be completely understandable, but that doesn’t mean every reaction to it will be. What happened, and what are you telling yourself about what happened? Feeling anger is normal, and something very understandable, however if we begin to lash out and hurt ourselves or others, that is when the situations can become dangerous in their volatility. You can’t always control your emotions or how you’re feeling; we must allow ourselves to feel and learn from them in a way that’s healthy not just for us, but for any people who love us as well.

Maybe your anger is coming from a place of insecurity, or something you’ve pushed away that is now coming to the surface - we need to be kind to ourselves and learn to recognise whether those feelings are coming from a situation, or our own perceptions of it. Think about what made you angry. Why did it make you feel that way? Take that time to better empathise with and understand yourself, rather than living in a cycle of anger unleashing harshly, then settling for a time only to lash out again.

I’ve had my fair share of angry moments, becoming known for it, but in relationships you have to try to compromise. It isn’t only your discomfort, but your partner’s. The biggest mistake you can make is letting your anger cloud your judgement of why you are in this relationship in the first place - whether that be romantic, platonic, familial. You have to remember you care about these people before you act in a way you’ll regret.

This isn’t to downplay the importance of validating the feelings you’re feeling. You can leave the room, say clearly you need to take a break, whine, cry or anything… We don’t ever want to get physical or even callous with what we say or do. Vulnerability is scary, and when we feel misunderstood and like the only thing we can do is get mad, it can feel even scarier to take a step back and assess.

There are ways of breaking down without breaking the things around you, and there is a way of getting angry without hurting others. Make sure you take care of others as you’re taking care of yourself and make sure you’re taking care of yourself while taking care of others.

Anger is a human emotion. Anger is natural. Anger is unavoidable.

There are better ways to deal with our emotions than we might initially think. Discuss, step away for a while, have a little cry. We don’t need to hurt the ones we love when we feel hurt.

There are people who will help you feel it out and walk through it. Let them.