The problem with going quiet when I’m angry

Being in a relationship always comes with emotions to navigate. As someone who has been a huge communicator since I was a child, I never thought that communicating my feelings and emotions would be difficult. However, there is one emotion in my relationship that I've never quite been able to manage - anger. Specifically, in the form of passive anger. 

Whenever my partner has done anything to make me upset, my default position has been to revert to passive anger. This looks like deliberately participating as little as possible in conversation, giving the silent treatment, or responding in short or impatient ways. The part I would like to emphasise is ‘going quiet’. This was a tactic I would use at the beginning of our relationship, and I thought it would be an indicator to him that something was wrong. However, I soon realised that this was not something he could pick up on.

At first, I was hurt by this and thought that he was maybe deliberately ignoring my quiet behaviour. However, I came to realise that he was not detecting my anger in these moments at all, because he is naturally a default quiet person and did not recognise that that was my way of showing anger. This made me realise that I needed to change my approach, and that reverting back into silence was not benefiting either of us, instead leaving me festering without a solution. 

When I realised this, I discovered that the only way to work through how I was feeling was to communicate it fully - even if it felt embarrassing or hard to explain. Perhaps I am lucky in that I have a very caring and patient boyfriend, but I found that as soon as I did this, we were able to navigate together why I was feeling upset. There doesn't have to be a solution but voicing how you feel can do wonders to make you feel better. 

In this moment of anger, I also remind myself to put everything into perspective - what is the thing I am really angry about right now? Is this something minor that I can simply voice? Is this something that in the grand scheme of things will not matter in a few days’ time? Reminding myself of these things in the heat of the moment cools down this feeling. This is not to say that I don’t also validate the anger, especially if something appears minor in the moment, but has been building up over multiple interactions.

Ultimately, I have found the key to understanding my passive anger is simple – once I am able to open up and communicate how I am feeling, it helps me figure out where my anger is coming from. Sometimes simply expressing it helps you understand what’s behind it, while leaving it to fester can make the feeling grow without you really knowing why. It might feel satisfying in the moment to remain quiet or make a snarky comment but being able to recognise where the feeling is coming from and voice it makes all the difference.