Building a new healthy relationship after being cheated on

It's a tale as old as time: you were going about your day in your relationship and the world came crashing down when you found out they cheated. A few words changed everything in your emotional security. You were just planning a couples costume and now going out felt impossible … (it all makes sense that they wanted to dress as Jay-Z and you as Beyonce). But that was awhile ago now… right?

In your single era, you put in the work and ranted to mates until you were over it. It really did feel in the past. That is, until you started seeing someone new. The fear of being hurt again makes your stomach start to swirl in a way it never has before. On the other hand, you know you can’t muck it up because of your past. We all know the saying ‘hurt people hurt people’. But that doesn’t have to be the case. 

Kicking off the kōrero

Just as we learn about our love interest’s hometown, celeb crush, and favourite colour - we also learn about each other's past relationships and what came from them. Instead of being overwhelmed by a huge sit down kōrero specifically outlining your past hurt, you can treat the convo as just a part of getting to know each other. Approaching with casualty and warmth whilst talking over hard subjects can create a deeper connection than approaching them with “I need to tell you something serious.”

Staying open and also understanding the importance of learning about their past will create a safe space to tell them about that one ex. Starting off by asking them about their past partners and how they feel towards their exes is a good way to open up the kōrero. Of course, doing this without intensity and more curiosity will make it feel comfortable for both of you.

All relationships move at different paces, so there's no exact timeline for when these conversations need to start happening. The last thing you want to do is scare away the person you're seeing on the second date. But there are signs that indicate a future where these topics become relevant. If you’ve been hanging out consistently for a few weeks, met their mates, and talked about events together down the line (e.g. that halloween costume or a music festival), then it may be time to sprinkle in deeper chats.

Boundaries

Over the past few years, therapy speak and psychological terms have been used and cycled through so much online that their true meanings have been muddled (or even completely lost). We’ve seen this time and time again where people have used the terms to their benefit rather to their actual definition. This process of misunderstanding has happened with setting boundaries in a relationship.

Laying down boundaries with a partner is not drafting an instruction manual for what your love interest is ‘allowed’ or ‘not allowed’ to do. Giving them a strict no-no list has been disguised as boundaries but when un-masked, is actually controlling behaviour. When chatting to your new potential partner about your boundaries, state what you are comfortable and not comfortable with doing yourself.

Instead of telling them not to post photos while they're out with friends, tell them that you might be muting their story while they're out to avoid jealous spiraling. You set boundaries for yourself, not your love interest. 

Opening up about being hurt in the past is hard. There's a balance to strike in the early days of dating that means being honest and sincere without oversharing. Sharing what happened whilst keeping some of the rougher details to yourself means that they can understand where your boundaries are coming from without being freaked out. Tell them that your ex cheated on you so you need to be mindful of how you feel. Maybe don’t tell them how long it took you to change your lockscreen after the breakup.

Once a stable relationship has been built and you’ve got some months under your belt, you may feel that you want to reveal a bit more and even know a bit more about your partner’s past. But start off by building a foundation where you're aware of each other's lives before that first date and not creating an image in your heads of your once heartbroken crush.