Care, not control: showing love without jealousy

In the big wide ocean of emotion; words, actions, and intentions are lost and refound in painful ways. In an attempt to show we care about our partner, we may actually end up hurting them. The intention behind our actions sometimes doesn’t line up with your partner's experience of them. In cherishing the love you share, your fear of losing it takes over. We must learn to show our love without acting as if it's ours and only ours.

Loving quality time into expecting access

When we learn the links between our intentions and behaviours, we can try new ways to get our true intentions across instead of acting out in jealousy. The intention starts off in a positive place. You truly love spending time with your partner. You’ve always found them hilarious and riffing off of each other never gets old.

Hanging out with them is your happy place. Of course, this is a great thing. But when you aren’t with them a jealousy can start inside of you. Your appreciation of quality time manifests into an entitlement to be a part of every facet of their life. The intention at the start of the behaviour is out of love, but when your partner needs time with their friends or alone you get jealous.

Instead of letting your positive intention become a harmful behaviour, try making the time you have together special. Plan something you know your partner will love. By putting your energy into making your hangouts awesome instead of expecting to be with them 24/7, you can have the time you need together without hurting them when they're without you. There is no need to be jealous of their life outside of you, especially when it's so great when you are together.

Caring to constant messaging

Being invested in the details of your partner's day is a total green flag. It's great having curiosity about what your partner’s boss thought of their new idea or what story their favourite study buddy had to tell. Engaging in your partner’s world shows you care and means you have a genuine interest in their life.

This sweetness can turn sour when you constantly demand those stories and updates throughout the day. Spam messaging your partner, nagging for reassurance every hour, strips the care from the intention and turns it into your partner’s tiresome chore. Expecting to be clued in at all times of the day isn’t attentive. It's nursing your own anxieties over the needs of your partner to go about their day.

In order to treasure your partner’s titbits as well as give them the space you both need, make an extra effort to engage in those conversations at the end of the day. Over dinner, play games that tease out those funny moments that occurred throughout the week. The ‘Thorn, Rose, and Rosebud’ game where you both say the worst and best part of the day, as well as what you're looking forward to tomorrow, is an amusing way to share your lives with each other.

Focusing on these recaps face-to-face makes sharing these stories exciting and fresh. When we capture the essence of the intention, we can find a behaviour that does the relationship a world of good.

Concern that crosses a line

Worrying about your partner’s safety when you're not together is a sign you care for them. If that worry turns into agony, your mind has gone ten leaps too far. Wanting your partner to get to uni safely and their arvo drink with a mate to go well is a loving intention.

This doesn’t mean that your partner owes you their location. Using your partner’s safety as an excuse for location sharing is completely unnecessary. These feelings start off in warmth but turn to darkness when you need the ability to stalk where your partner is.

To avoid this controlling behaviour manifesting, you need to listen to your partner when they tell you they feel secure and happy on their campus, in their workplace, and on their route to work. Practice this acceptance and trust by attentively listening. If there is any aspect of your partner’s life that they have concern over, be the support they need, not the FBI agent they never asked for.

When our good intentions get muddled in bad behaviour, nobody wins. What's the point of having all this love if all our partner feels is claustrophobic? In understanding the root of our behaviours, we can make sure the intention comes across lovingly in our partner’s experience of them.