He’s protective, she’s clingy: how gender shapes jealousy
By Lee Judi
Throughout our discussions of jealous behaviour in relationships, something becomes very clear. Jealousy is received in pretty different ways depending on your gender identity. When women stomp their feet with suspicion and Sabrina Carpenter sings, “Now every woman I see is a potential threat”... she's clingy. But when men clench their fists and Edward forbids a friendship with Jacob… he's protective, sexy even.
These perceptions of jealousy clearly align with extremely traditional views of ownership in relationships. Whilst the male side is obvious -he feels a possession of his partner- the female perception of ‘marking territory’ is also demonstrating the same control. Both behaviours disperse out of insecurity. Both are absolutely not okay.
When his jealousy rarks up because of what she's wearing, he plays the ‘keeping her safe’ card. When she insists on going through his phone, she plays the ‘you’re mine’ card. But these are both possessive behaviours that shouldn’t be seen as passion.
Considering these gendered perceptions of jealousy can help you reflect upon your own relationships and how we talk about them with our mates. Falling into these stereotypes takes us further away from the real reasons we get jealous. Brushing concerning behaviour off as protective or clingy makes us more vulnerable to harm. Both of these practices disrespect our partner’s autonomy to live their own life.
A boyfriend’s jealousy being perceived as protective stems from outdated views of masculinity in romantic dynamics. Ideas about men needing to provide for and shield their partners were formed a long time ago when societal norms assumed a nuclear family. Now that our modern society has expanded and changed so much, the idea of men needing to protect their partners has unnecessarily persisted but shifted to become about jealousy.
Often a stoic ‘masculine’ man is now associated with this possessive behaviour. Video after video circles of people idolising their protective boyfriends. Captions on them read ‘If my man ain’t protective I don’t want him’ and ‘When he’s jealous and it shows’. Romanticising this restrictive behaviour as passion is dangerous as boundaries get blurry. Small jealousies grow and become massive.
Falling into these stereotypes takes us further away from the real reasons we get jealous. Brushing concerning behaviour off as protective or clingy makes us more vulnerable to harm. Both of these practices disrespect our partner’s autonomy to live their own life.
On the other hand, perceptions of a girlfriend’s jealousy as clingy comes from women being heavily pressured to find a partner. Time and time again we see the media portray women as in competition with each other for men. So much so that the term ‘dating market’ even arose. This all leads to the idea of a woman's control merely being her asserting claim over her partner in fear another woman will come ‘take’ him.
We see this jealousy in girlfriends dismissed as clingy and even glamorised as cute and bratty. Feeling an overload of insecurity towards the other people in your partner's life, to the level that jealousy takes over, isn’t a normal state to be in as a girlfriend. We can see how the constraints of traditional gender roles can hurt our interpersonal relationships.
A great way to test your ability to sense when jealousy is being presented as a gendered excuse (protective or clingy), is to watch movies and TV centered around complicated romance. The media often falls into the trap of disguising entitlement as passion, more than you might have previously realised. Even when characters have practically acted in the same way, the way we read those actions could be completely dependent on their gender identity.
You might even catch your mate buying into the stereotypes. Sitting around on the couch, listening to your bestie chat about the person she’s seeing, “He’s so protective, it's so hot.” Or you're having a beer with the bro, “She hates it when I talk to any other girl, it's so cute.” These ideas are so normalised that they are hard to catch at first. But when we break them down and recognise their harmful potential, it's clear we need a new normal.
The history of these stereotypes changing the readings of jealousy doesn’t need to be brought into your relationships. Instead of playing into the labels we should recognise controlling behaviour as unacceptable, regardless of gender. Letting the gendered perceptions continue means that excuses for poor treatment will also live on. He’s not protective, he's possessive. She’s not clingy, she’s controlling.
