How did I become an afterthought?

I don’t think I’m alone in feeling anxious at the idea of losing my friends once I’m in a romantic relationship. Complex and profound, my friendships are as much love stories as any romance. We weave ourselves a safety net, bound by unconditional, unadorned, and completely genuine love. This is a steadying kind of love, a home base, that offers me protection while still holding me accountable to my own values in a way that very few can. To wish for someone else’s happiness as deeply as my own, to know that if we grew apart, I could look back on them with love, and to know that someone has made my life better just by being in it - is a privilege I’m unbelievably lucky to have.

Yet, in our society, this kind of platonic love is often overlooked in a way that neglects their meaning in our lives. Even with an abundance of beautiful, fulfilling friendships, an individual typically must have a romantic partner to be perceived as truly content or 'put together'. This pressure results in the risk of abandoning our friends - as well as our truest selves - in the pursuit of romance and in the effort to meet societal expectations.

The ‘hierarchy of love’, refers to the socially constructed ordering of relationships in which romantic partnerships are positioned above all other forms of connection. Within this framework, there are expectations of exclusivity, prioritisation, and sacrifice that aren’t equally applied to friendships, even when emotional intimacy is comparable. These expectations have traditionally included gendered divisions of labour, sexual obligations, and the ideal of lifelong commitment, with women disproportionately bearing these demands whilst men are often afforded leniency. Although feminist and queer movements have challenged and brought about significant change, many of the underlying patterns remain the same.

One of these underlying patterns is the normalisation of the drifting away from, to the total loss of one’s close friendships whilst in a committed romantic relationship. This shift is culturally framed as appropriate and even expected, embedding the idea that emotional and social needs should be concentrated within a romantic partnership. This is particularly significant in the context of unhealthy or abusive relationships, where the distinction between increased intimacy and social isolation can become difficult to discern. Without external perspectives, individuals might struggle to assess their relationships with clarity, reinforcing dependence on a single partner to meet the diverse emotional needs that only a village of loved ones can truly provide.

The hierarchy of love also influences how emotions like jealousy are understood and managed. While jealousy is a normal human response, its significance lies in how we work with it - ideally prompting introspection and self improvement rather than a justification for controlling or punishing behaviour. When we believe that a romantic partner should always come first, it can feel reasonable to want a partner to prioritise you over their friendships. However without critical reflection, this assumption can slide into possessiveness being mistaken as love. 

Interrogating jealousy in this context can be really difficult but is ultimately necessary. If you find yourself resentful of your partner’s friendships, it may help to ask: is the relationship actually threatened by their friendship, or have I simply absorbed the idea that being someone’s partner means always coming first? It is so incredibly important to be honest with yourself whilst in a relationship so as to ensure the maintenance of one that is genuine and healthy.

What is so often overlooked is that the best romantic relationships are built by people who have full lives of their own. This allows for pressure to be taken off the romantic relationship, as you aren’t expected to take on the role of your partner's entire social network when it is particularly difficult or even impossible to do so. People who are able to maintain their friendships can also show up as more secure, grounded, and interesting people, as they can learn from and grow alongside a multitude of different people and perspectives. Healthy platonic relationships are not a distraction from a romantic relationship, but part of the
foundation that keeps us stable. 

I’ve come to believe that we should think of our relationships as less of a hierarchy, but rather a web - instead of having one central support holding everything up, strength can come from many different connected strands, each one pulling their own weight and reinforcing one another. Through writing this I’ve also begun to dismantle my belief that love is limited. Although we have limited time and resources, the most important connections in our lives aren’t always the most intense, but the connections that provide us with an outlet for interests, a vent, or a cry. As Lilly Dancyger said in her essay ‘First Love’: “my friends are my family, my truest beloveds, each relationship a world of its own”. To hold space for friendships whilst in a romantic relationship is to tend to these worlds - the ones that have sustained and supported you - and to ensure that your romantic relationships don’t replace them, but add to the web of love that already exists.