I Could Never Be So Jealous

Two years ago, I would never have described myself as a jealous person. But a couple of months into my first relationship, I learnt that I wasn’t going to be someone who could escape the emotion. Unfortunately, it was inevitable.

I started dating my first boyfriend in the last year of high school. He wasn’t super popular, but he wasn’t unknown. I didn’t mind that he talked to everyone and had friends who were girls. I didn’t mind when he made jokes that made other people laugh. I didn’t mind when he hung out with his friends outside of school, even though that was the only time we got to spend together. Or at least I thought I didn’t mind.

Turns out, whenever I saw him speak to someone, or heard another girl's name leave his mouth, the pit I felt in my stomach wasn’t my normal anxiety. It was jealousy. And it took me a long time to realise. I never wanted to be controlling or insecure in a relationship, and I wasn’t going to start, but I couldn’t stop feeling jealous. We had a trusting relationship and I really didn’t mind him talking to other girls, but the jealous feeling still seeped through my body every time I saw it. When he brought up girls he had been friends with in primary school, that made me jealous too.

Somehow him having a friendly relationship with a girl at the age of six years old was enough to set my jealousy off. I was disgusted with myself every time I recognised a jealous thought, but I couldn’t stop them. It got to the point I was jealous of his own friends because they got to spend more time with him and take precious time away from me. I never dared to tell my boyfriend how I felt. He’d think I was ridiculous and overreacting, and he would be correct for thinking that way. Who was I to tell him who he talked to or how much time he spent with a friend?

I tried to suppress my jealousy as much as I could, and I think I did a good job at hiding it. But the more I ignored how I felt, the more often I would experience the feeling. It moved from being jealous of time spent with others to being worried when he took longer to reply than usual. I had nothing to worry about in our relationship, so I gave myself something to worry about. I was mad at myself for how jealous I was getting. I shouldn’t be jealous.

It was only when I started comparing my relationship to my friends' relationships that I realised some seemed to be a lot more overprotective or controlling of their boyfriends to the point of being unhealthy. I thought if someone was to look into my relationship from an outside lens, I seemed normal, unjealous, and very chill. Or so my friends told me. Neither of us controlled any aspects of either other’s lives. Yet I told myself I was crazy for the way I was feeling every time he spoke to another girl.

After months of being annoyed at myself for being jealous, I was realising it was normal. I was allowed to feel jealous. Afterall, it was inevitable. Jealousy will always find cracks and insecurities in a relationship, but it’s how you deal with it that decides if it hurts the relationship or not. While I really wish I could say I’m no longer jealous of things in my relationship after two years, I still get a teeny tiny bit jealous when my boyfriend talks to another girl or spends his time doing something without me.

But then again, I think I’m allowed to be young and a little jealous.