It’s not really about her

A while ago, I was out with someone who I’d liked for a really long time. It was going great - that was until we passed this other girl who I really didn’t want to see. She has everything that I don’t, she’s niche and smart and completely gorgeous and for whatever reason I couldn’t help but point out that she’s been really horrible to people in the past. I immediately felt awful for saying it, I don’t even know if it’s true.

Gossip is integral to human connection. However toxic, lowbrow, or ‘bitchy’, the urge to ‘spill the tea’ has proven almost impossible to contain. Despite its strict connotations with femininity and ‘the mean girl’, the connection which gossip can provide is universally needed, regardless of gender, ethnicity, or intellect.

However, what we say about other people when they aren’t in the room rarely tells the whole story about them. More often, it tells a story about us: our fears, our desires, our insecurities, our integrity. It is one of the few windows others get into how you might talk about them when they're absent — which is why the type and frequency of your gossip can shape your reputation, and can even reveal to others parts of yourself that you aren’t ready to face. 

Objectively, gossip is discussion between two or more people about someone who isn’t present. Yet, it is a term that has been considered innately negative for a long time and carries harsh moral connotations, especially for women.

The negative connotations of gossip began to develop in the 1500s, during a period in which female friendships began to threaten the rise of patriarchal order. The word gossip is derived from the word ‘godsibb’ used to describe women who were present in the birthing room, a space in which partners were absent, where women would talk freely, and which, consequently, carried a sense of uncontrollability that threatened people who weren’t present (particularly men). 

This association has perpetuated to this day, and is often presented through media with the ‘mean girl’ trope remaining popular and profitable. From TV shows like ‘Euphoria’, and of course to films like ‘Mean Girls’, gossip gets portrayed as a threat to romantic relationships. This media depicts gossip not merely as a means of communicating and connecting, but as a weapon used almost exclusively by women for manipulation.

I believe that it’s time to reclaim gossip from these connotations, and allow for some more nuance and understanding. Gossip is universal and unavoidable among all groups of people, with this because there are so many forms of gossip which can allow for emotional release and connection. Many of my closest relationships have been bonded through vibrant gossip that has laid the foundation for deeper conversation and insight into ourselves. This kind of gossip exists through vulnerability, mutual understanding of boundaries and privacy, trust in the person who we’re talking to, as well as self awareness of the mirror that we hold up to ourselves when we gossip. Without these bounds, gossip can become damaging, not only for the person being gossiped about, but for the speaker themself, undermining how much the speaker is trusted - signifying dishonesty both in themselves and those around them.

Gossip fuelled by jealousy is one case that can easily become harmful. Feeling jealous isn’t inherently bad. It’s a central and natural element of the human experience that unveils our desires and ambitions. It also helps us to perceive and manage threats to ourselves and relationships. It’s something that’s very valuable to talk about, but without honesty or proper management, it can become corrosive, lead us to defy our own values, and project our problems onto others - the perfect fuel for negative gossip. This creates the kind of gossip that could be ‘shit talk’, competitive or validation seeking, rather than the kind of gossip which allows for the understanding of a feeling. A good question to ask yourself could be: 'What am I hoping the person listening will tell me?'. Once you understand what you want, you can evaluate what the best way to work through that feeling may be, and you can begin to understand why you’re looking for a particular response.

Upon writing this article, I talked to my now partner about that time we were out a while ago. I admitted that I’ve come to realise why I felt so threatened by her, how she’s incredibly talented and beautiful in ways which provoked my own insecurity. I didn’t want her to be chosen over me, and I value our relationship. This gossip was ultimately harmful, it painted a negative image of her, and I felt horrible about myself - but it didn’t have to be. I know that I could have spoken about her with honesty to have a meaningful conversation, and I’ve come to realise that it’s this honesty that fosters genuine relationships with not only those around us, but with ourselves.