Possession isn’t love: you don’t own your partner’s body, or attention

I remember staring up at the TV after school with wide eyes and fluttery feelings watching the Beast demand Belle’s love. Time and time again obsession is presented to us as love. But mixing the two up can lead to all sorts of harm. Whether in TV or our day-to-day lives, we often see a feeling of ownership come to light in romantic relationships.

We are all clear on not literally owning our partners physically. But sometimes it feels like people do think they own their partner’s time and attention. If we want healthier relationships, we need to rethink what love actually looks like. So how do we meet our relationship needs whilst not causing harm to our partner?

A lot of our ideas about relationships come from a history of marriage as a transaction. But we also used to wash our clothes in urine and put pigs on trial for crimes. Times have changed. We now enter relationships for love and fulfillment. But these old ideas about love still show up in subtle ways today.

This means that the time and attention our partners spend with us is not out of obligation. It's because they truly want to hang out. The relationships we have do not come with a timesheet of hours clocked in or an appraisal meeting every quarter. They take you out for dates and ask you questions about your day because they love you, not because they have to.

In saying this, the idea that what our partners give us emotionally is voluntary and not obligatory has been muddied through the media and internet. TV relationships where constant instances of possession are presented have been romanticised online.

For example, comment sections under montages of Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl (arguably one of the most toxic couples in modern TV) are filled with statements like “need a love like this!”. Even when Chuck frequently manipulates Blair to come back to him over and over again.

We see the same reactions to videos of Dean Forestor and Rory Gilmore from Gilmore Girls. Fans say, “Dean is so obsessed with her… I need this” even though Dean got extremely upset when Rory didn’t return his ‘I love you’. This is a clear example of Dean believing Rory owes him something. The possibility of our partner owing us anything implies possession.

It has been heavily normalised to demand things from your partner and rebrand them as boundaries. A boundary is about what you need. Control is about telling someone else what they have to do. So what does this look like? If you state that you need to hangout with your partner everyday with little exception, you are putting them in a cage of conditions.

If this doesn’t work for their needs or schedule, you have given them an ultimatum as if you own their time. Acting in a way that implies you have power over the way your partner spends their time is extremely harmful to them and your relationship.

We are allowed to have certain wants in a relationship that we communicate healthily. We may like a date night every week or so. This should never be framed as a condition, but as a want. In the busy lives we lead, treating the moments with your partner as gifts instead of duties means both sides are there because they want to be.

If you lovingly and calmly express your want for a date night and your partner simply cannot make time for it, you may need to have further discussion about what you both want out of the relationship. Ultimately, they may not be the person for you but this isn’t their fault or yours. What's important is you don’t establish dominance over them by demanding all of their time.

People tend to accept situations that don’t work for them out of a fear of abandonment. This isn’t true love or quality time spent together. It is a threat and assertion of power. We can communicate what we would like out of a relationship without demanding it.

Healthy relationships are about ongoing conversations surrounding our wants. They are not about jealous declarations of ownership.

When our relationships focus on voluntary acts of love, our own needs are met in the process. Really, we just want to feel seen, accepted and loved. Applying pressure and acting out of jealousy will never tick those boxes.

Not only can it harm our partners but it won’t get us what our heart desires. It will only create a poisonous dynamic where nobody is happy. Real love isn’t about how much you can get from someone, it’s about what they choose to give.

And if it has to be forced, it’s not love.