I can train my brain
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I can train my brain
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By Rachel Barker
First published on VICE.COM
In a dream world, we’d all kōrero about our needs without any difficulty, but for some reason many of us find clear communication complicated.
One of the worst outcomes of our collective poor ability to be transparent about our relationships – especially if you're a hopeless romantic – is the feeling of being led on by someone.
Being ‘led on’ or more invested isn’t something we can always see when we’re in it, but there are a few signs you can look out for so you don’t end up wasting your precious time.
If your partner or potential partner really has no idea what you're about, what you’re working on, who’s important to you and what you might be finding difficult at the moment, then they're probably not invested in you.
That might be okay if that's what you've agreed on – but otherwise, this is a huge sign that they’re not that invested in you.
Sure, some people take their time opening up, but if you’ve been “dating” someone for weeks and even months and they haven’t introduced you to friends, family, or parts of their normal life, then you have a problem.
Look out for a contrast in how they describe their life and what you get to partake in: If they’re out with friends all the time, but never invite you to anything? Bad sign. If they constantly post photos online but never include photos of you? Bad sign. If they’re telling you you’re together but no one else seems to know? Bad sign!
If you’ve made agreements, like going on a date once a week or that you’re monogamous, and those agreements aren’t being honoured, it might be time to bounce.
Unless there’s a damn good reason, like every uncle they have died for 3 weeks in a row, their avoidance to meet your agreed upon needs could be telling you something that they’ve not got the balls to tell you themselves.
If it's always you that makes the sacrifices or changes to accommodate your partner then your relationship isn’t balanced in the way a healthy one should be. It might be that it’s always you that drives to see them, or changes your plans to work around them (or even more harmful things like pushing your sexual boundaries) in order to keep things going.
Either way, if they’re not compromising or putting in an equal amount of effort, then they’re not right for you.
Maybe you’re hoping that the direction your relationship is going in with someone is towards exclusively dating – and maybe you haven’t expressed that because it feels obvious to you, maybe you have expressed it but it’s not what they’re interested in. This can mean that they keep engaging with you in the kind of relationship they want, and not the one that you want.
Sometimes people are just stoked that any time they want company or sex or emotional support they have someone to call on – and if you’re telling them that you’re chill with keeping things casual when you’re not, or continuing to answer their every call when you know they’re not romantically interested, then who can blame them.
While they’re not doing anything wrong, it can still leave you feeling dissatisfied, frustrated and even angry.
It’s important to consider what it really means to be ‘led on.’
While it can be someone intentionally deceiving you, a lot of the time feeling ‘led on’ comes down to a mismatch of expectations between the people in the relationship.
If you communicate your needs to someone you’re (sort of) dating and things don’t change, that’s when it comes back on you to decide if you actually want the relationship or situationship that they can offer.
Relationship specialist Eleanor Butterworth stresses that “it's really important that you hold your own lines and decide this actually doesn't work for me”
You can’t change someone else, or what they want, but you can “uphold your own self worth by being okay to walk away,” says Butterworth.
