It be like that sometimes
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It be like that sometimes
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By Eleanor Butterworth
Have you ever heard about the 'frog in hot water'? The story goes, if you put a frog into boiling water it will jump straight out. But if you put a frog into cold water and turn up the heat until it is boiling, the frog won't notice until it is really in trouble.
For the sake of frogs everywhere, I hope this is not true (and that it’s never been tested!). But whether froggy fact or fiction, this tale also gets used to describe the very true story of how what we think is love can creep into control in ways we don't notice until – like the frog – we are really in trouble.
There are some relationships where abusive and dangerous control is overt, right from the beginning. However, it is more common for control to grow, undetected, over time. One of the most confusing things about control is that it’s often disguised as a version of the love we felt early in a relationship.
Control is stealthy, it sneaks up on us, but the signs are there if you know where to look.
Below, we reveal the stages of a controlling relationship; how something that starts out seeming ‘normal’ and loving transforms to controlling. We’ll help you know what to look out for and what you can to do to escape that pot before the water reaches boiling point.
There are few things more life affirming than the sense of connection, joy and lust at the beginning of a relationship. Hands up if you have found yourself wanting to spend all your time with a new partner, thinking about them constantly, physically missing them when they are not around? We are hardwired for connection, and that flood of happy hormones makes all of these feelings and behaviours really common in a new relationships. This time is also known as the ‘honeymoon phase’.
In a healthy relationship, what happens next is those feelings (and hormones!) start to settle and our relationship starts to slot into your regular life. In other words, you start to create balance between your relationship and all the other things that are important to you both. And…. this is also the point where you may realise you aren't as compatible as you thought and things fizzle out as the hormones fade.
However, in unhealthy relationships, this is also the time we start to see patterns of behaviour that keep that intensity going in ways that are less about growing love and more about establishing control.
As you move out of the honeymoon phase, control is most likely to show up pretending to be love. For example:
You realise you've missed one too many hangouts with your friends, so you let your partner know you won't see them on Friday because you've got plans. But they try and convince you not to go or to bring them along:
“I’m going to miss you so much, can’t you do it another night?”
“I had something special planned for us.”
“It's our 4-week anniversary though!”
“I could come too?”
“I’m going to miss you too, but my friendships matter to me.”
“I can't wait for you to meet my friends, but this Friday it’s just the crew.”
“4-week anniversaries aren’t a thing…” (ok, maybe not that, but you get the idea)
As control starts to seep into a relationship, we might see it change from big expressions of ‘love’ to expressions of ‘concern’:
“Your friends drink too much – you shouldn’t hang out with them.”
“If you're serious about your study, you shouldn't be wasting your time with sport.”
At this stage we are into patterns of seriously abusive behaviour that limit the choices and control you have over your own life and body. You might notice it’s starting to feel safer to just do what they want and let them make all the decisions. It might start to feel like you’re walking on eggshells. All controlling behaviour is emotionally abusive, but in this stage we see that turned on high.
This tactic is all about you, and not in a good way. It’s less about convincing you to agree and more about:
Just like that poor old frog, it’ll take time and support to heal from your time in the pot. Just like a physical injury, emotional abuse can leave aches and pain. These resources and services can be a good place to start that healing journey.
Visit lovecreep.nz to find out more.
